4 Social Skills to Teach Children- Part 2

The last segment of 4 Social Skills to Teach Children was such a hit, that I felt like it was time to share 4 more! I understand that many of these skills/manners are obvious and practiced by many; however, the reasoning behind their implementation is not always so apparent. As it turns out, manners were not only created as a way to be respectful of others ("Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use. ~Emily Post"), but they were intended to "keep your body safe," which is a hugely popular phrase in the preschool world. 1) Elbows Off! Aside from the fact that your sleeves will wind up stained with the delectable meal you are eating, leaving elbows on the table is a successful way to share your neighbor's meal with the floor. As many people tend to engage in conversations, the excitement level rises during an intense discussion. One slide of your elbow can cause the plate or drink of the person next to you to break, leaving shards of glass and/or ceramic. To be on the safe side, leave one hand in your lap. The only visible parts of your arms should be the forearms, hands and fingers. 2) Hunch Over Ideas, Not Plates! In a restaurant setting, the background noise can be overwhelming, so people rely on their vision to hear. When "listening" to someone talk, chances are that they eyes are watching the lips just as carefully as the cilia in the ears are dancing to the vibrations of the sound waves. If a person's head is facing his/her feet (which are hopefully underneath the table), it is often very difficult to understand the words, which become muffled and lost in the background. Instead of causing everyone around you to strain their necks in order to hear all of the important ideas that you have, just look up! Not to mention that your spine will thank you immensely... Slouching over your plate puts causes unnatural curvature of the spine, which can have serious long-term effects. Just ask orthopedic spinal surgeon, Dr. Nathaniel Tindel, author of "I've Got Your Back!" 3) Bite-Size Bites Forks and spoons were created to be proportionate to people's mouths (children-size spoons are larger than baby spoons, yet smaller than those for grownups). The measurements were carefully taken to ensure that people would only take bites of food that could fit onto the fork or spoon. Two compelling arguments for taking appropriately-portioned nibbles: 1) you are 93% less likely to choke and 2) you can maintain chewing with your lips closed, as your teeth will be able to touch without your mouth filled to excess. A win-win for everyone! 4) Eating Utensils are for Eating Although Ariel in Disney's The Little Mermaid thought that the fork was a dinglehopper, a device that humans used to comb their hair. However, "up there on land" the fork was used to help the food get to the mouth without the use of fingers. As fingers are often carriers of germs, due to their ability to touch anything and everything, eating utensils were created to prevent the spread of sickness. Use them! On that note, following these 4 Social Skills to Teach Children will help them keep their bodies safe (and yours!).

Hot Plates, Cold Plates, Some Plates, No Plates

According to an article written by Jess in When Harry Met Sally, "restaurants are to people in the 80's what theatres were to people in the 60's." Dining out has become a social situation, a way for people to (re)connect with friends. The meals are filled with laughter and conversation; reminiscing about the past and fantasizing about the present. The only lull in the evening occurs at 1 awkward moment: how many plates must be served before one can and should start eating? Knowing that the food in restaurants is rarely brought out at the same time, does everyone need to have a dish in front of them before beginning the meal?

Different behaviors are revealed in the moments when the server brings out the first plates. Some of the people begin eating the moment their food arrives, carefully avoiding eye contact with the hungry stares around the table. On the flip side, others are adamant about waiting until all people at the table have been served, whether there are 4 people or 20. Which is correct?

To answer that burning question: neither is correct. Like many situations in life, the topic of "how many people need to be served before eating" falls into a gray category, with several aspects that need to be considered. First of all, how many people are sitting at the table? Second, is the meal a dinner salad or an entree? If the table has six people or less, all occupants should receive their food (hot or cold) before someone takes a bite. The only time it would be acceptable to begin eating earlier would be if those without food insist that the lucky folk start their meal instead of waiting for the rest of the entrees.

If the table has more than 6 people, statistics and math skills come into play... 3 "hot" plates (entrees, pastas, secondi) should be served before taking the first bite (dinner salads are not included in this). Of course, it is polite to provide permission for those with hot plates to begin immediately, as no one enjoys eating cold steak. If the table has more than 10 diners, it would be preferable for 4-5 hot plates to be served before delving in. Typically, one-third of the table should have their food... However, the most appropriate table etiquette would be to wait until permission to eat has been granted by those without plates (the conversation being, "no, please go ahead and eat. I insist!").

And of course, this manner can be taught to children that are of the preschool age and older. To utilize developmentally appropriate math skills, the child must count how many "hot" plates are served before they can begin. Sorting out the types of food that are "hot" versus "cold" enables the child to practice placing items into separate categories. Using one to one correspondence (assigning every meal a number) will keep the child entertained for a few moments. When the preschooler becomes a working adult, this skill will ensure that he/she will not become the "rudie" at the business dinner, who started eating before all of the bosses. Knowing how many plates should be served before eating is a practice that will help children in work and social situations in the future.

Bon Appetit!

Table Etiquette: Which Water Glass is Yours?

Do you remember that scene in Pretty Woman, when Vivian (aka Julia Roberts) asks Barney (aka Hector Elizando) to teach her how to behave at a fancy business dinner? She learns many things, such as the napkin on the lap, and count the tines on the fork in order to know which one to use (I myself prefer to remember that as each course is served, forks are used from the left, going inwards). I am sure countless numbers of people referred to that scene in Pretty Woman in order to determine proper dining etiquette; however, there was always a part missing for me...

Sitting at a round table with more than 2 people used to be intimidating, as I always felt there were endless amounts of cups and plates (bread plates). Never knowing which one to use, I would either wait to see which water glass my neighbor chose or would just start drinking a water, praying that I did not take someone else's drink (after all, the whole point of a place setting is that utensils don't have to be shared!). I then discovered a trick that saved me countless hours of embarrassment in front of others...

While you are reading this (please) make two circles with your pointer finger and thumb by having them touch. Stick the remaining 3 fingers straight up. As this is done on both the left and right side, you should notice a lowercase b and d. The b, on the left, is for the bread plate, while the d, on the right, is for the drink. Pretty fancy, right?! It took me a little bit of getting used to, and perhaps some definite letter formations under the table. I managed to learn that if I can tell my left from my right, I can decipher which glass is mine!

So, go spread the word; teach them well and teach them young.

Teach Them Well and Teach Them Young

I once knew somebody, who stated that cleaning dishes was “the woman’s job,” so he was not going to help, even if it meant bringing his dish to the sink. True story. Despite the obvious problem of labeling “girls’ and boys’ jobs,” which is definitely a message that one does not want to impart upon impressionable young children, another statement was made in that phrase. That statement was, “you are not as important as me, so I do not need to clean up after myself.” After cooking AND cleaning after a long day at work, it is needless to say: that person was not the beneficiary of my culinary expertise ever again.

In today’s society, having social skills dictates that one must learn to keep track of personal belongings, as well as be responsible for discarding that individual’s trash, including dirty dishes after enjoying a delectable meal. That concept is facilitated in a preschool classroom, with pictures and words of what item belongs in each bin. Detailed lessons on how to put a napkin into a cup and tuck the chair under the table after snack time is over are discussed within the first days of school. At 2 and 3 years of age, of course mistakes are made, but it is hoped that the behaviors will become automatic by the end of the year.

To a 3 year old, one can explain that the toys have to go away because if someone breaks it (due to it not being in the proper place), it will not be replaced. Precious art work, created during “work” or “free” time can get stepped on and destroyed, and the creator will be pretty sad if that happens. Testing the waters, every child experiences the pain of losing an important item once and vows to never let it happen again. The cherished stuffed animal is placed much more carefully in selective and appropriate spots. And for that matter, expecting someone else to set up and clean up snack makes the “setter-upper” feel like those actions are just expected. Bringing the empty cup and napkin to the trash is a way of saying “thank you.”

Think about it: no relationship should have one person always doing the cooking, cleaning, giving and/or taking. Relationships between families, significant others, peers, employees/employers, and friends are no different. The "give and gets" of a relationship means that teamwork is important, but being responsible for one’s own belongings is required.

As everything has its place, it is unnecessary to throw the jacket on the floor when first entering the house. Empty gum wrappers, and gum for that matter, belong in the trash can. For grade-school students and beyond, expecting someone else to scrape the gum from the underside of the desk is disgusting. Dog feces should not be left in the street or your neighbors’ lawns. Think how you feel after stepping in dog poop; considering that you don’t enjoy it, clean up after yourself, and your dog! And if you are a guest, anywhere, leave a place better than how you found it.

These scenarios might all seem quite different and unrelated, but they most definitely are. Having good social skills means that one is responsible for his/her own personal belongings, and does not expect anyone else to remove them. If everyone made a concentrated effort to put personal items in their appropriate place/receptacle, this world would be a much cleaner place! And if you teach your child, at an early age, to clean up his/her dishes, you will feel more like a parent and less like an indentured servant.

4 Social Skills to Teach Children- Part 1

Social skills are ways to teach people how to effectively integrate into society and must be practiced on a daily basis to obtain proficiency. Learning the proper way to conduct oneself in public will be helpful when first entering school, as well as maneuvering through the working world. Mastery of proper etiquette at an early age ensures that the behaviors will become innate, as children are capable of retaining vast amounts of information. One is never too young or never too old to obtain and relay good manners. 4 Social Skills to Teach Children:


1) Ask and You Will Receive…
Nobody wants to play with Griffin Grabber! Imagine that you are making the world’s tallest tower (the Freedom Tower won’t even compare!). You use the special arced blocks to create an archway at the base and are so excited to show this to your friends. Griffin Grabber comes along and gasps because HE wants the arced blocks that are at the base of your building. Instead of asking, he thrusts his hands forward and takes them from the bottom of your building; thus, the building falls down, as the weight of the top was no longer being supported. At this point, you are pretty frustrated because there were two other arcs that he could have used for his construction, and you surely would have given them to him if he just ASKED for them.

That skill is important to learn at an early age, as it is extremely important in the years to follow. To a 4 year old, knocking down a block structure is an absolute travesty. Relating to adult terms, taking/grabbing an item from someone else will create a very sticky situation, which can be interpreted in a myriad of ways.


2) Chew With Your Lips Closed
“What am I eating? Sea Food! Get it, SEE food?!” (Show the food in your mouth). Totally unnecessary and unpleasant. When something is in your mouth, whether it is food or gum or ANYTHING, make sure to close your lips when you chew. There is a reason the human body was designed with lips that are extremely flexible flaps of skin that are able to conceal your teeth- even when they are apart. People are meant to cover their mouth with their lips, so the churning food is not visible for all to see. It also prevents one from talking with their mouth full, which is a choking hazard! Finally, it ensures that food does not wind up on the person across the table by the “say it, don’t spray it” method.


3) Thank You
Whether someone is pouring you more water, handing you that coveted toy, or staying late at work to help YOU complete a task, everyone deserves a “thank you.” Thank you is a way of saying “I appreciate what you have done” and recognize that “serving” you is not required. Plus, it is polite to acknowledge that someone has given you something, albeit services or goods. Feeling entitled to have people assist you without conceding gratitude will cause others to become resentful of your demands (and less likely to complete them).


4) Conversations take Two
When you were little, playing with the dolls, animals and other toys was entertaining, even when in solitude because YOU provided the voices and personalities of the other “people” in your play. Very rarely do we see grownups playing with Barbie or Transformers without a small child nearby; therefore, 1 person carrying on a conversation with 2+ people is not the “norm.” Since more than one person is involved in the conversation, all parties must be included and participate in the conversation. That means: one person does not do all of the talking. It is always exciting to be able to say your opinions, but it is very important to listen to those of others as well, as they want to have the spotlight, too. Asking questions is necessary, but the response must be heard. We teach this skill to children and need to remind them that everyone needs a turn to speak. There are 2 people in the conversation, not just one.


Stay tuned for more “4 Social Skills to Teach Children.” Please email Julie at julie@etikids.com if you have any questions, suggestions or comments.

PS- Check out the new Facebook Page: EtiKids!

The Unspoken Message Behind the Text...

Once upon a time, a King and Queen took their daughter and son, the Princess and Prince, out to dinner at their favorite diner. Eating out was a special occasion, and the entire family partook in conversation about their days, favorite books and movies, and upcoming events. They genuinely looked to be enjoying the family time...

If that scenario occurred in the present, it would read more like this: Once upon a time, a King and Queen took their children, the Prince and Princess out to their favorite restaurant: The King's Lair Diner. As the family sat down to dinner, all of the members put their respective blackberries on the table beside their place settings. Every other minute, a beep would be heard, and someone would pick up the phone and furiously start typing away. Conversation was limited to texted responses- "R U going 2 finish ur ff?" "IDK. FULLLLLLLL."

With technological advances appearing on a daily basis, people have been able to communicate via email and/or texting. The formality of writing letters has been replaced with incorrect grammar and informal sentences. Emotions are very difficult to ascertain without an overabundance of emoticons. LOL! :) Cousin Jackie, who types with all capital letters, always seems to be yelling at me, while Aunt Sue does the 3-sentenced email that never seems to finish any thoughts.

Don't get me wrong; people can now communicate on a regular basis. Waiting until you have time to speak on the telephone to catch up on each other's lives is no longer an issue; a quick email or text to say "hi, I am thinking of you" is a great way to maintain relationships. Unfortunately, there is a negative side to the informality and ease that is now accompanied by email and texting... Children are not learning social skills.

Eye contact is so important for humans (in the United States). It is what separates us from other species, providing us with the ability to have intimate relationships with friends and family. If the phone is placed on the breakfast, lunch or dinner table, the underlying message reads that the relationship with inanimate objects is more important than that with people. By putting the phone away during the family dinner, the grownups make it clear that the half hour spent with the family is a very important time of day. You will no longer have to wonder about the unspoken message behind the text. Instead you can just "talk it out" and never have to wonder.

According to webmd.com, family dinners will not only help you become reacquainted with your children, but you and your family will become healthier individuals as a result. Seriously, the benefits keep adding up...

Modeling social skills for children by making eye contact with other people at dinner will serve to be a lifelong lesson: put down the phone and start conversing. You might learn some pretty amazing information about the person across the table... And who knows, you may actually really enjoy the company of your family...once again.

The Beautiful Side of Celebrities

Last night, I went to New York Moves Magazine: Spring Fashion Launch. The cover featured Kristin Davis in all her glory, and I was fortunate to attend the premier. Being that I am typically somewhat shy, I was extremely hesitant to approach her. After all, how many times did I watch Sex and the City with my girlfriends, wishing that I was as fabulous and fashionable as the SATC foursome?

March 11, 2010, I met Charlotte York, the epitome of modern manners. Throughout the six seasons of SATC, Charlotte was a model of respect, treating everyone that she encountered with dignity (even her mother-in-law Bunny!). As she ordered her cosmos, she would make sure to say please to the waiter. She seemed to be the one who always knew what to say and when, and in her momentary lapses due to extreme emotion, she was so humanized that you were actually able to commiserate. She reprimanded the other women for not being polite and respectful to others, and she always maintained her poise. Her conservative demeanor (pearls included!) gave into the stereotype that her mannerisms and behaviors were innate, which were completely intimidating to those of us, who are not completely detailed oriented. Part of Charlotte's charm was that she acknowledged everyone with a smile or a greeting. She said "hello" and smiled, even while facing hardship.

Being a resident of New York City, I realized that one doesn't need cardigan sweaters, sundresses, or an Upper East Side apartment to don social graces. Saying thank you to the doorman as they hold open the door is absolutely necessary, but greeting everyone that you encounter on your walk out of the building (neighbors, staff...) could change someone's day. Recognizing and appreciating that we are all living and working in the same environment spreads positive energy and respect. How many times have you said hello to a child, but he or she does not respond? Although some parents will enable the behavior by saying, "oh, Johnny is just feeling a little shy today," or perhaps nothing at all, the time has come to recognize this behavior is no longer acceptable. In a society with a lowered morale due to all of the financial misgivings, personal interactions are all that is left. Although lengthy discussions are not necessary on a child's behalf, eye contact and a smile are the bare minimum (of course, do not allow your child to talk to strangers!). If your child is hesitant to engage others, turn it into a game- see how many smiles you can give out each day. This behavior needs to be practiced, but it is one that does not require any sort of dress or status; it is great just coming from you!

I totally understand that she is a character on TV; unrelated to the real life persona of Kristin Davis, but Charlotte York made having social skills fashionable. Yesterday I discovered something else: Kristin is just as well-mannered. Taking extra time to give a smile and acknowledge those who came to celebrate the occasion with her made her seem grateful of the support; regardless if it was from other celebrities or people like me. Recognizing that people are people and everyone is special truly showed the beautiful side of Kristin Davis.

On another note- watch for next week's exposé: "The Unspoken Message Behind The Text..." Email me at julie@etikids.com to share your experience with someone who only communicates via text/messenger or chat (no personal communication).